33 Reasons I left Instagram today...

And you don't have to.

Today I officially deleted Instagram.

I am asking all the questions about my own will power, how I lead boundaries work and yet am so human in them and did I literally just throw ten years of hard work and business success in the trashcan? While fear of the unknown is sounding an alarm, my present self and future self are even louder about how I want to be living today and tomorrow. So I left.

Before I begin, I want you know that this is NOT a plea to get you to leave as I know there are amazing (incredible!) things about Instagram. This is my personal journey and insights into my why for leaving that I wanted to share and a deeper understanding into less of the workings of Instagram and more the workings of …me. As always, you do you and let us share notes.

Here are 33 reasons why I left (in no particular order):

1. I have always loved to perform. I used to put on shows for my parents and my friends and I in middle school made incredible lip sync videos with the back-then ginormous video cameras and I was in recitals for many years until I pursued my athletic endeavors in high school instead - still performing on a field or court. And the truth is, I need to take breaks from the stage and the field. I got to practice in dance class or after school softball practice. And Instagram felt like I was performing all the time, I had collapsed my identity into a brand, a commodity to be consumed. And thus, it was time to leave to be more human.

2. There was a time when I did not mind my username being my full name. And now I do. Because there is way more to me than what appears on the screen and I started to wonder if I had forgotten that.

3. The amount of time I spent about to post was something I could no longer handle. Something about the third child’s arrival in my life and realizing she was the final child to complete our family, it felt urgent to watch even a toenail grow. And I found myself going to share a photo of her bright blue eyes or gummy toothless smile and I would write a caption or an overlayed note in stories and could never press the post button. It actually started to happen with all my kids. As if these precious moments were not meant to be shared on this vast ether of nothingness and yet something-ness that all of us are trying to sort out. And while that sent me into a tailspin, I actually could not stand the wasted time I spent curating an image and words to then press delete. And then what was I missing while doing just that?

4. And speaking of not being able to press the share/post button, my entire self started to beg the question ‘what is actually sacred now?’. Anything? And what does sacred mean to me? To my children, my husband, my family? Have I even asked?

5. Instagram changed. The algorithm now shows you only what is deemed popular by others and thus became a weird popularity contest in creativity, image and shock factor. I don’t like it. Period.

6. And then came reels. And let me tell you, I fought it. And of course, caved and made a few. I should add that I loathe that reel sounds the same as the word ‘real’. in the most unreal space. And to put together photos with music on top of videos, I am not a f*cking movie editor and never wanted to be one.

7. Last week I was lost in a scroll and THIS ARTICLE came up about some asshole named Brandon Ewing dabbling in what is called deepfakes and using women’s faces on top of other people’s faces to make custom porn videos. Nope.

8. I was today years old when I learned that ‘cyberpsychology’ exists? This is an actual discipline defined by techtarget in this article, “Cyberpsychology is the field of study pertaining to the way people interact through computers or digital devices and the emotional effects that usage has on the brain. Cyberpsychology is also referred to as internet psychology or web psychology.”

9. Which leads me to another interesting point I have shared with many people before that Instagram is an experiment, as are so many things in life. And we the users of the platform are being experimented on. Did you watch the netflix doc Social Dilemma? Thoughts?

10. Today at a coffee shop I was at in Maine, I took a moment to put my own phone down and every single person had their eyes down on a phone. All of them. All of us.

11. On announcing I was leaving instagram, my best friend asked me, “what will you do with all that time?”. I have no idea and I am so curious, too.

12. I am an addict to the drug that is social media. Last year, I read Dr. Anna Lembke’s book, ‘Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence’ and it was in a word, terrifying. Did you know that the creators of the social media apps have been learning from the same people that create gambling machines in Las Vegas? I’ll stop there and leave you with her article written in The Journal called “The smartphone has become the modern-day hypodermic needle”.

13. This podcast titled ‘Digital Minimalism with Cal Newport’ on Rich Roll’s show from 2019 has never left me. I love and hate when that happens.

14. I realized that I grab my phone and go to instagram to numb out. And listen, I believe in a good break even a numb every now and again. But the daily even hourly numbing was not worth the life I had stopped feeling and avoiding. My nervous system is a mess and what is beautiful about the body is that I still have choice in the matter to restore, shift, change and feel.

15. I am not a therapist so I will not go deep into this matter but the secondary trauma exposure within the scrolling of instagram, my body and my brain cannot handle it. It is too much information literally at my fingertip.

16. Did you know Vermont, Maine, Hawaii and Alaska do not have billboards posted anywhere in the state? It is illegal. You drive along the highway in Vermont and you see….trees. That’s it. Trees. And for someone like me who grew up in Houston, TX, it feels so weird. And I like it. Instagram feels like billboards yelling at me to purchase here, feel this, change this, do this. The body has spoken, I would rather look at trees.

17. I have been curious if social media has fully replaced the notion of community in real life? And while I have not done the research to link an article, I have done the research in my own life and I feel I have been leaning on Instagram as a crutch now for community of ‘friends’ and connection in my DMs and a metric of business success. And as someone born in an analog time, there is a yearning for the balance of screens (hello, typing this to you from a screen now in a library) and real humans with a pulse and a mood and a vibe and blood coursing through their body offline.

18. My daughter asks me more often that I would like to share with you, ‘Mommy, can you put your phone down?”. *heart breaking that she has to ask me….again.

19. I am not ready to open up this can of worms but damn, what about all these EMFs?

20. I want quality interaction with my children. And truth is, Instagram was not blocking that. It was me. My addiction and my behaviors was. It is me who has to leave.

21. Another friend asked me when I shared I was pressing delete, ‘But what if you are forgotten?’. And I said, ‘I kind of hope I am’. I can’t stop thinking about this exchange and my own answer.

22. The most popular feeds on instagram that seem to get shared - while some are wildly creative and very funny - most are steeped in shock factor. How many times can I be shocked in five minutes?

23. I don’t ever remember having anxiety or even knowing what it was growing up. I am curious my own experience and levels of anxiety to social media exposure. As if experimenting on myself, I am going to to find out.

24. Do you know that song by Rockwell? It goes like this: “I always feel like somebody’s watching me and I have no privacy…”.

25. My Grandma used to read the newspaper every morning. And that hour with her coffee was her news consumption. Then she did other things like go to work or once she retried, she loved watching the hummingbirds at her bird feeders. And then at night, maybe a moment of news but she and Grandpa were more interested in Family Feud, Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. I like that. When is there too much news?

26. My attention span is gone. Gone.

27. And I am 38 and had to buy readers last week. I know that is from straining my eyes and staring at tiny words on a tiny screen like you may be reading right now. Kimberly Ann Johnson speaks to this in her book, The Call of the Wild and our eye muscles actual need for a break, a peek at something far away like…the horizon.

28. I took breaks every month for the last year. One day break. One week break. A three day break. For me, this worked until it didn’t.

29. I know. I know. I know. No blue light at night. And I swear I move my phone out of my bedroom. As if it has legs and walks back in, I find it there next to me, how?

30. And I know Andrew Huberman’s podcast is all the rage and my dear friend Margaret James has taught me about circadian rhythms and letting the first light that touches your eyes in the morning be the sun. And yet most mornings, it is not. In all honesty, I want the first thing my face sees in the morning to be my husband and children. Again, not Instagram’s fault. I have choice here so I am making it.

31. Can we talk about iPhones in the bathroom or no? Someone was literally watching a show next to me in a public bathroom with volume on. I mean I was watching mine too but volume off. Eww.

32. Cancel culture is an interesting culture. I definitely see the power in it and have been a part of it and I also see the groupthink and censorship and self-censorship it creates. Going to explore more on this - anyone have a great article or book to learn more? Do share!

33. I love James Clear’s books, Atomic Habits (his newsletter is great, too!). And when you read this book, you do ask the habits that are currently creating your days, your goals, your life. I didn’t love my list.
    
    (There are probably more but I’ll stop there….)

    I am reading Briana Wiest’s ‘101 Essays that Will Change the Way You Think’ and she said this: “And thank whatever force within you that knows there’s something bigger for you - the one that’s pushing you to be comfortable with less.” (p63).

    I will end with this note: Thank you force within.