I am not sure why I expected a new geographical location to be a magic wand of transformation in a matter of mere months. Where did I get that notion that a long roadtrip, lush grass and wild encounters (cue porcupine quills in my dog’s face on literally night 1 living in our new place) in a new community would be keys to all my a-ha moments in just 61 days?
Moving from Colorado to Maine has been a roller coaster of emotions with, I would say, an even number of ups and downs*. We are settling in and I imagine we will be settling in for an entire year here as we learn the ways of life and living now - both ours and how this community here in New England works.
I could feel myself getting frustrated a couple weekends ago. Why haven’t we landed yet, will we have friends here, and who am I now?
Because the truth is, I feel the exact same.
Have you ever heard the saying: ‘Wherever you go, there you are‘?
It is attributed to many humans if you google the quote but Jon Kabat-Zinn wrote a book with the title and somehow, Tayler Swift came up when I googled it, too. I imagine she might come up in any search these days and I will say that I am very impressed by that.
The words continue to linger in all avenues of my brain, on my skin and in my daily actions as if moving every decision and moment through a sieve and I wonder why I put all this pressure on myself to be … transformed?
Is this why goal setting can feel so deflating? When we get to the goal, there is supposedly this cocoon to butterfly moment that we all expect and yet, there we still are. Or more likely than not, we became a butterfly in the details along that way that actually got us to a goal and yet, never noticed.
I actually cannot believe I just wrote that. I am going to take a minute as that realization just rocked me. Be back shortly.
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Okay, I have returned. Took me four days to digest that one. I will tend to that butterfly notion a little further down.
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The reason I bring this up is I believe I had this notion or vision that I would snap my fingers here on the East Coast and all the boxes would be unpacked and I would have a blossoming garden and somehow for the first time ever become a morning person and yell less and meditate more. In James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits, he has a chapter all about habit stacking (such a good book, read it!) which in a few words here, takes a habit you are good at already and stacks a new on to it to build momentum. Smart right? I think I started transformation stacking and well, not the same.
When I look around the house, I still don’t know where to put all my shoes so that box is still unpacked IN MY BEDROOM now as decor - so cardboard chic. And I still have small children who are also navigating change, which impacts their emotions and needs and sleep. And I have to call a local dirt guy to bring dirt and Chris has to have time to build garden beds. And let’s be honest, Chris called the dirt guy, not me. And meditation is tricky because my patterns of work and productivity and systemic capitalism course deeply through my veins. And I am laughing at the morning person goal. I rarely use the abbreviation but, LOL.
So here I am.
Same me.
And the rub is real. And the judgement is real-er. And the disappointment begins to creep, creep, creep. My teacher always teaches disappointment as a ‘missed appointment’ - be it timing in our minds or energetic timing in the ether. And that is exactly how I feel, I missed the transformation appointment!
And cue the LOL again that I live next to a very large clocktower that literally tolls on its own time. And the other day I saw it doesn’t even keep the correct time. So while I thought it was just the bell toll that was off, it is the entire entity. Or is it running time on a different universal plane or say on Mars?
For a moment, I get inspired. I pop a microdose of fungi and say to myself with all the gusto, I will run on my own time, too. Take that linear time and capitalism and over-productivity. Take that. But the inspiration fades when I see facets of time and the systems that exist like a bank account, monthly payments for ___(fill in the blank)____ and the start time for my kids’ dance camp. How rude of them not to get on my timeline now?
So what now, I say to myself?
No answer. Nothing comes to mind.
And ironically, I take my time.
I see that my husband has committed to CrossFit again and he has been going for three weeks in a row. His mood is different. His shoulders look different. He is almost buoyant after working out. And you know what else he does that knocks me out, he thanks me. He says, ‘thank you for supporting me so I can commit to this’ as I watch the kids or takeover breakfast duty as a forced morning person one day and another day. He is grateful.
I want to be that.
And of course there are 77 ways into this but I go for it the same way, I want to work out, too. I re-sign up for online training classes I was taking from a former coaching client and friend of mine. I know I won’t drive somewhere, my willpower is too low for this. I have to make this new habit formation as efficient as possible. I am talking 22 steps from bedroom to work out mat. And I show up for a class and it is so hard. Add the humidity here and I look like I have been in a sauna for three hours when I just took a 55 minute cardio + strength class.
And I keep going.
And I go again.
When I reflect back, so much of my identity as a youth was wrapped up in athletics and working out and movement. I did all the dance and then all the sports. All of them. During school, after school and then club ball during summers. My Mother, who taught aerobics on the weekends in the late 80s and was my PE teacher in all of grade school also owned the after school dance program, added a career to her (long) list of services and became a personal trainer when I was in high school. What’s that? Oh yes see the genetic lean to (over)productivity? It is all learned, folks. We would go work out at this boutique gym down the street at 6am before school and then I would have a full training for volleyball or basketball or softball still after school. I would run the neighborhood. I had a work out journal while my friends had diaries. And I know what you’re thinking, it could have easily leaned to a disorder or a touch of body dysmorphia (cough, what woman (any person, honestly) growing up in the 90s didn’t have body dysmorphia, I do wonder?). I might have edged it but dare I declare, it was healthy. I was in choice, my family did a lot of movement together and health was a core value for us and how we wanted to spend quality time. I ate a lot of food and hosted spaghetti study nights for my friends. It was our thing.
Coming back to working out in humidity feels so familiar in my body. I grew up in the Houston humidity of Texas and sweat was a dear frenemy of mine. The past almost 20 years I have lived in climates with zero humidity so I … forgot. And my work outs felt so different. And there is this weird feeling working out now that is almost a remembering of someone or some part of me that got subbed out for another identity or curiosity.
And I like it.
It is comforting and also jolting as my almost 40 year old body looks and moves and feels very (very!) different than my teen body. And guess what, I feel the change and I honor all the life I have lived since then. All the cocoon to butterfly moments along the way right there on display. And I feel less rushed all of a sudden.
A couple weeks ago for two nights in a row, my youngest daughter slept well. Not through the night, another LOL. But better. And I woke up early at 6:19am and felt a misty morning and was like, oh wow, morning people are so smart. I get it. I am not a morning person but that day I was.
And the dirt got delivered. And the zucchini plants flowered. Chris takes care of the garden way more than I do as it fits his personality more than mine. I like walking out there and I loved biting into our first tomato off the vine with so much salt on it.
My meditation isn’t sitting quietly at this point. My meditation is writing, working out, walking the sand with a stroller. I get to define how I get still and be and breathe.
And wow if I don’t hear it again, wherever you go, there you are.
There I am.
There I am.
There I am.
And what if you slow down enough, disrupt the noice or sameness or change obsession enough to recognize that all of you has arrived and you get to choose and choose again the parts of yourself you want to remember and bring back, the parts of yourself you want to tend to or the newer parts of yourself you want to get to know right on time?
And for me, I realize I get to choose to keep complaining about what isn’t (yet) or start accepting and loving what is, what was and what can be again….in time.
Because wherever you go, there you are.
All of you.
*Ups:
The lush green grass here is is like an eco-friendly hug for my feet. Earthing daily.
The ocean is such a happy place for us. The sand, the salt, the sun.
Space, we moved into a larger home than we have ever had and realizing we only use 3/4 of the house (if that) - which is fascinating.
Seafood. Give me all the fresh seafood. Chris makes fresh haddock backed in a ritz cracker batter-mix and it is something, folks. I continue to pat myself on the back for marrying someone who loves to cook, I am smart.
We have three raised garden beds!
Our local public library is the magic. Like actual magic, last week they hosted a wild animal expert, and we met a hedgehog, boa constrictor and the most beautiful owl. They also hosted a banjo player that played all Beatles music! Is this real?
People vacation here for the Summer so surrounded by people with vacation energy is a fun interaction.
The small public school our girls will attend is welcoming and warm, which we always seek out warm. And the art teacher reminded me of Ms. Frizzle, so winning and the music teacher played the trumpet for the kids, like a solo performance, when we toured.
Downs:
We moved in a weird out of the norm weather pattern with about 28 days of rain in June (for real). We don’t know any different but it feels climate change-y.
Mosquitos.
Ticks.
Green headed flies.
With all the aforementioned rain, the ocean water is prone to contamination exposure from human waste which is a huge bummer. I have a local beach health app to check often so our kids aren’t swimming in you know, sh*t.
I also have another app to check shark activity as climate change and the seal population welcomes great white sharks. Did you know great whites don’t mind more shallow water. Cool, cool. As a kid I only saw parts of JAWS and those parts still haunt me.
Living in a place where people vacation, we keep acting like we are on vacation which can be, as I said, fun AND very stressful as we are craving routine and grounded-ness. Bring on back to school.
Sleep. Moving your kids to a new space and place where their beds are not the way they were in Colorado is quite the learning curve for sleep patterns. Add mountain time to east coast time. One day we will sleep, just not right now….
LATELY:
Reading: The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren
Streaming: About to watch ‘The Earthing Movie’. And because I am a creature of habit, ‘Parks & Rec’ is back in the mix as a soother.
Dreaming: about Fall camping trips in our beloved RV in Maine. We want to go to Moosehead Lake, Acadia and Bar Harbor. Campsite suggestions?
Workshopping: Join me for a Vision & Boundaries workshop on ZOOM on August 2. Let’s go see where we want to go free of constraints with in invitation to imagine more than one way to our futures. Subscribers, grab yourself a free ticket!
Overheard: My brother-in-law told my daughter recently that you cannot be brave without being scared first and I cannot stop thinking about it.
Listening to: I adore Jack Black - I blame ‘The Holiday’. The girls and I sing this ‘Peaches’ song from the Super Mario Brothers movie on repeat and laugh and laugh and laugh.
Feeling: Really present.
Style: Moving to the East Coast, I realize the life of Summer dresses and I own about zero. I get it now so I will keep my eyes on the shift of seasons in stores and stock up for next year!
Loving: A sandals tan line. I found these eco-friendly Free Waters sandals at an outdoor shop in Vermont last year and love them! Chris and I have matching ones and if you know, you know.
Speaking of tan lines: My favorite swimsuit to date is still Left on Friday from my old design co-workers at lululemon. The high waisted bottoms are life and I mix and match tops.
Bringing you a sundress in a few weeks!!
Love this post so much. Brings back memories of when I moved to CA. You WILL find your people, it just takes a while. Thank you for always being so real and honest 💜