How Loneliness and Vulnerability are quite the pair and I am starting a Vulnerability Club

Vulnerability is a key to connection so we can get un-lonely. Sharing my notes on vulnerability and I am not just talking about crying in public - however I am a huge fan of doing that.

With my air pods synced seated at my local library in their business center all to myself, I re-watched the famous Brené Brown 2010 TED TALK titled ‘The Power of Vulnerability’. It has aged well in my honest opinion and I even took notes in a new spiral journal covered in colorful mushrooms as an ode to the back-to-school vibes of August.

Notes are scribbled with arrows and bullet points and circles and here are a few:

+ People who experience love and belonging are the people who have chosen to believe they are worthy.

+ Do I have the courage to be imperfect?

+ Embracing vulnerability is the willingness to hope, the bravery to say I love you first, to be uncertain.

+ You cannot only numb the dark emotions and hard feeling, there is no selective numbing. You will end up numbing joy, happiness, excitement, too.

+ We pretend that we do not have any impact on others.

+ When we believe we are enough, we stop screaming and start listening. We are gentle(r) with ourselves and others.

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If you have not seen it, watch it.

If you have seen it, I say it is worth watching again.

Here you go:

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I spoke this year at a conference for a women’s networking in the UK and afterwards the Founder was laughing and telling me what I wonderful job I did even though I was, as she said, so very self deprecating in a humorous way. I have chewed on this ‘compliment’ for a while as I was trying to pinpoint when I was doing all this deprecating in my talk and I realize I was not deprecating at all, I was owning my imperfection with agency and confidence - and that caught my English employer off guard.

Because I am not perfect.

And I have a lot of big feelings.

And I cry all. the. time.

And I get scared a lot.

And I am happy to share stories about mistakes I have made and pivots that followed.

And joy tends to linger when I listen for it, pause long enough, sit down for a sec.

And I have befriended grief - you know, -ish.

I have heard that when you turn the corner to your 40s, you give way less f*cks. And while it might feel like that, I am actually giving more f*cks for what I truly care about. And that feels like the real deal.

So I can see where that can feel jarring, hearing someone so easily speak about wrong turns and joy and grief and shortcomings and long-comings all in one breath. However, every time I am more real about my experience, you know, the life experience we are all navigating, I find it creates more connection. Let me be clear on that, it creates more authentic and deeper connections, less surface level. And every single time, it has a ripple effect and a me too. Vulnerability is very contagious in the best way.

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For a couple weeks in a row this Summer, all of the news headlines that crept into my view were about loneliness. The United States Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy wrote a handful of articles you can find here and here and all about it in his book, Together. In one of the articles, he says:

Every generation is called to take on challenges that threaten the underpinnings of society. Addressing the crisis of loneliness and isolation is one of our generation’s greatest challenges. By building more connected lives and more connected communities, we can strengthen the foundation of our individual and collective well-being and we can be better poised to respond to the threats we are facing as a nation.

I cannot stop pulling at the thread of meaningful connections that stem from embracing imperfections and being vulnerable in direct correlation and/or opposition really to our current loneliness rut we are in here (specifically in America).

I went digging a bit on the vast enormity that is the internet to explore self vulnerability and vulnerability with others. Here are some notes in my journal to peek at:

Self vulnerability is a practice of honesty with oneself to meet yourself and all of your emotions in the the present moment in a safe environment with acceptance and compassion. Exploring ways into this can look like:

Raw journaling, a space where you allow yourself to let it out, feel it out and write it out on the pages. There is a sacred secrecy that allows us to really surrender when pen meets paper (or fingers to keyboard). I highly recommend Julia Cameron’s Artist Way and her morning pages exercise. She invites us all to start our morning first thing with a three page stream of consciousness, you will be very surprised what comes out!

Cry. Let those tears roll. I have my eyes on this t-shirt as crying really is so powerful in our lives as a form of feeling it all, releasing energy and being courageous enough to let go. Because it is a letting go of emotions in the form of saltwater.

Dance. There is something so vulnerable about dancing because we don’t really do it much anymore. It takes me time to warm up but when I do, my body and my emotions show up and well, often I cry again.

Keeping your promises to yourself. This can be with boundaries, a movement practice, closing the computer at a certain time each day, …. this builds trust within and I am deep in the practice again and again.

Community Question #1: How can or do you practice self vulnerability? (share in comments)

Switching gears, I am beyond interested in how we get vulnerable with others. This is where the human experience goes into overdrive, am I right? And this is where I really find we learn so much about ourselves as well in connection and reflection with others - especially with others that we feels safe enough to be fully and wholly ourselves. Add more awkward and tears and this is being alive. More of this:

Saying I love your first (be it to a friend, lover, family member…) with no certainty that it will be said back and even braver, no need.

Sharing with someone that you have changed and this is what changes looks like, sounds like and feels like to you now. Instead of forcing and old way of being to keep someone else comfortable.

Setting a boundary and you and the other respect it.

You now a big one, sharing about the scary emotions like jealousy or rejection. And even bigger, someone listening and not having to offer advice.

Owning up to a mistake and saying sorry. I did this recently with my husband after I bulldozed through a conversation he was trying to have with me and I interrupted and took it a completely different direction. It is so uncomfortable to recognize when you made a mistake but there is so much growth and connection on the other side of being brave enough to own it and say sorry and try, try, try again.

Being silent. Together. No space to fill, only space to feel.

Saying thank you can be super vulnerable. Thanking someone for being in your life, thanking someone for helping you at this time or at that time, thanking someone for being excited with you. Why do we wait to say thank you….in a eulogy?

Community Question #2: How can or do you practice vulnerability with others, where does it come up most these days? (share in comments)

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I am very interested in this juxtaposition of a loneliness in our society and how to first practice and really choose to be vulnerable. They are deeply connected to even begin a conversation to self and others steeped in genuine connection. One has to be vulnerable and honest enough to recognize the spaces and places they feel lonely and then to do the inner work and the outer work, huzzah. I need another coffee. You?

So I will create what I am looking for as I have looked and I don’t see it out there. A space to practice and be vulnerable on purpose with a group of strangers we can really be open with because there is no fixed box they have already placed us in. I am beta testing a 6 week vulnerability container called THE ‘V’ CLUB: Vulnerability Happens Here.

You and every emotion within you and all the different parts of self we project and hide, are invited, come on in. We start August 16 on ZOOM and I am elated to share there is a Slack Channel called the Deep V and beyond that you can optionally join Friday writing sessions and obviously we will book club (book choice has not been selected yet, soon soon) and we will take it where it goes. And it might get awkward, I can only hope for us that it does because that is where we practice. Together.

So here is to being vulnerable and launching something new and putting ourselves out there. Let’s go.

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Additional Resources:

TED TALK: Power of Vulnerability

On Being Podcast: The Courage to Be Vulnerable with Brené Brown

NYT: We have Become a Lonely Nation - Let’s Fix That by Dr. Vivek Murthy

6 Ways to Be More Vulnerable with Yourself by Sarah Ahmed

7 Ways to Be More Vulnerable in Relationships (even if it’s hard for you) by Kelly Gonsalves