Dear Jacki #4: Define 'Shy'
Beliefs, Stories, Conformity and that 'Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul' book
Welcome to Dear Jacki, an advice column covering topics like goals, dreams, boundaries, disruptions of the status quo, failure and living life now. Each month-ish, I answer a question from a reader. Want to submit a question? Submit yours here.
Dear Jacki,
I was talking to a friend this week on the topic of being "shy." I came to realize in this conversation that I have always thought of being shy as something I had to "recover" from.
I held a belief that shy was a bad thing and something I needed to get rid of.
I also wonder around what "shy" means to me and how it might mean other things to other people. It is also a word that can be collapsed with private, insecure, etc. Would love your insight on this.
Thanks,
Maybe a shy guy?
Dear Maybe a Shy Guy,
I’ll start first with a poem I read recently in ‘LOVE HER WILD’ by ATTICUS:
There was a whole magnificent soul
burning brightly behind her ‘shy’.
When I think of the language of shy, I think of my child hiding behind my legs when meeting someone new for the first time or the feeling you have when you enter a new classroom on the first day of school or anyone who was ever quiet at my Grandmother’s very loud home during the holidays. More specifically and personally speaking, I think about my life right now in an entirely new town and community (new readers, my family just moved cross country from Colorado to Maine). I currently feel shy to post on the town facebook page, I feel shy to share about my business, and I feel shy to (over)text a new friend too much.
I should preface that I have never been labeled ‘shy’. Does that mean I have never been shy? No. I think the act of being shy is something we all understand and have experienced directly or indirectly, and what I read you inquiring about is the sticky stories we learn, place or understand on words that feel like labels and how that can create your interactions, how you see yourself and your life. Labels like:
shy
prude
tries too hard
extroverted
introverted
slutty
loud
too much
bossy
emotional
… the likes.
And one note to point out is that you wrote in past tense - you held a belief and you thought you had to recover - how beautiful to be open to the present and what ‘shy’ meant to you then and what it can also mean to you now.
___
I wonder:
What if shyness was actually a superpower?
Aren’t we all a bit shy with something or with someone in our lives?
What if shy was a gatekeeper of great boundaries or a filtration system for trust?
What if shyness was a form of patience you practiced with yourself and then others got to learn from you?
___
I took a quick google about shyness, and it is no wonder you got the stories you shared in your inquiry. The headlines and psych articles written about shyness are all very steeped with language like you shared with overcoming shy and how to help a shy child in 5 steps and the worst: the quick fixes ….
As humans, we live in a society that speaks (yells) what the norm is, the standards to live by and definition of what and how to be successful. And those are always going to be generalizations and rarely unbiased - especially in larger print media. And listen, I know we need a shared definition to get on the same page. However, I often wonder if humans should be a touch more autonomous with how emotions and labels show up and where, and then recognize what they mean to us on a personal level.
Shy cannot and does not mean the same thing to everyone.
I read extroverts can be shy, too. And then I read that quiet is a superpower. And then I read that shy can lead to loneliness. And then I read that 40-50% of adult Americans identify themselves as shy.
And oh how I know it can feel easier to follow along with the definitions set before us - as it does not ruffle anyone else’s feathers….except your own. But pretending to be someone else and fit a mold is not it and damn if I love GEN Z for leaning into this more than I ever did as a geriatric millennial. I do believe we are all here with unique DNA (science) and unique set of gifts to offer (more science). Can we see ourselves and all our personality, social and emotional traits as the gift?
Do I sound a little Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul right now? Good because that book sold over 500 million copies and was an NYT Best Seller from 1994 - 1998 (what!). And do you know what was in those books that most likely started (more like sky rocketed) my self-help book purchasing journey? - inspiring stories from ordinary people. And probably a handful of them were shy and able to see the World in a way others can’t.
Gifts.
__
So moving forward, can you/we take a moment to:
ROOTS CHECK
Are there spaces and places or people you find yourself more shy in/with? Is there anything there to dig deeper on? I am not a therapist and I do love therapy for roots work. And I do often ask myself, is there something in the roots here as I really do see trees as such a metaphor for the human experience. And the roots of shyness in different situations could show you where there are sticky stories or some inquiry and self discovery to do.
(RE)DEFINE
Define the word shy on paper for you from your own life experiences. You might need a couple tries here to lean into your own language and take agency as the way you are shy might look different from how the word has been defined for you. What can it mean to you now?
HONOR
Befriend your shyness. Get to know it. Make space for it to breathe and be. Can you see how this aspect of you has made you … you? This is the self compassion part that can get tricky and it can be so vulnerable. If you feel uncomfortable, that’s okay. Pema Chödrön says “When we are willing to stay even a moment with uncomfortable energy, we gradually learn not to fear it.”
SHARE
You are not alone in your shy. And perhaps beginning to share about it with people you trust like: friends, family and even with strangers (sometimes strangers feel even easier at a cafe or online), we can learn more about how shyness shows up in you and out there. Teach the World to make space for all the attributes of being human in your own authentic way. Need a shy role model? Susan Cain, an NYT best selling author and speaker who much prefers listening to talking, has done an incredible job at this and disrupting old norms and writing new ones!
Thank you for your inquiry and your courage to ask, Maybe a shy guy.
___
OFFERINGS | RESOURCES:
Book: Quiet by Susan Cain
TED TALK: The Power of Introverts with Susan Cain
Article: There’s Nothing Wrong With Shy on Psych Today
Article: 5 Myths about Shyness Debunked on Psych Central
Shyness to me has always represented feeling invisible (because that’s how I feel when I feel shy, which is often if the group is more than a few people). Sometimes I’m so grateful I’m invisible and sometimes it hurts my feelings, especially if I know everyone in the group…been navigating this differently as I age…finding that strength in the shyness, not talking for the sake of hearing my own voice; instead, I listen and when I do speak, it means more (or at least this is how I spin it). 😉
I must say, I love the concept of answering questions from your readers every month. This is was an amazing read indeed. As someone who has been labelled as 'shy' all her life, I have come to realise that every person individual has a unique way to deal with change, anxiety and life experiences in general. Shyness is indirectly proportional to your level of comfort. Every single person is Shy when it comes to things they are not very comfortable about. And it's not a bad thing at all.
Great read💛