A Short Story on Burning Down Your Career
It is a lot of metaphors. It is who I am.
“Hi everyone. I am Jacki. I have three kids, drink a lot of coffee and am a business owner in the midst of burning it all down. Happy to be here. My goal is to make a coffee mug”.
The younger instructor said, “well okay then, welcome”.
I had arrived to my Intro to Pottery class five minutes earlier. Arriving late sounded like a major offense in their very lengthy welcome email to class and while I am notorious for being right on time (if not a touch late), I also follow the rules (at least the beginning to feel around for their purpose). All three of us were kind of standing around, one woman already working on a clay project of plates and another older woman looking a little lost and me.
We started with the intros and then the pinch pots.
And I showed up every Tuesday evening to my three hour pottery class. In the midst of chaos and confusion in my career burn which spread into my whole life (as fires does, they are wild and they spread so it all catches fire), I still went to class. While I had all these poems co-mingling in my head about molding myself just like the clay, that is not what happened. I actually struggled more with keeping the clay wet enough to mold which I will mull around for that metaphor later.
I actually did make a small mug that is still waiting on a shelf at the studio for me to go pick up. However, my most proud moment was in a turquoise berry bowl I made. I did not even know that was an option in the course to make. I had actually stumbled upon a berry bowl last Fall in an art studio in my small coastal town we live in and loved it. I did not buy it that day because I had never had a berry bowl before and did not know if we would actually use it - albeit adorable and how fun is it to say ‘berry bowl’? And now we have one that I made and I actually use it all the time and feel proud every time.
Now that I know some of the basics, I imagine I would have made our pup Moose a set of dog bowls. I would make five more berry bowls to gift to friends at Christmas. And I might give the wheel another try but it is just so much clean up which I will say, is not my favorite when we are talking juice and squeeze. Alas, I did not sign up for more classes or to become a member. It just isn’t the right time in my life to continue but I told my teacher, I’ll be back later. Like way later.
On the last day of the 8 week class, we reflected on our time together and our intentions we had set, the teacher asked me how the burn was going? I laughed a bit and said I did it. I did not burn the whole thing down, I burnt down parts of my business and myself so that I could make space for what was coming. And she said, ‘well okay then. Good luck with that.’
And as she panned to the older woman who still looked a bit lost, I stayed in my thoughts. At this hour of class, I figured I would be pounding the earth at the edge of a grave that commemorated my life as a speaker, a coach and an entrepreneur. I had imagined that I would have had to go buy new clothes as I somehow landed a job in Boston that I would trek to three times a week to stabilize our life, my life for a bit. Yet instead, I laid flowers there. At the grave site of all that burned down. I caress the fresh dirt around the concrete plaque and wonder how often I will come back here to remember. We always say we will come more than we do. I said a silent prayer of reverence for the hustle it took, the heart she over-gave, the validation she always sought and the woman who did a lot of things in a small amount of time at the cost of a sound nervous system.
And then I stood up and walked into the new version of myself.
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If you are feeling burn or perhaps in the midst of burning “it” all down, hi.
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